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Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98, the latest version of the world's number one computer operating system from Microsoft.

Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Any public complaints about the Windows 98 product, will make the complainer liable for any damages to Microsoft's reputation plus treble damages and their first born child.

Windows 98 represents a significant technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95. You'll notice immediately that "98" is a higher number than "95," a better than 3 percent increase. But that's not all. Windows 98 contains many features not found in Windows 95, or in any competing computer operating system, if there were any.

Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and back-space functionality (on Microsoft Keyboards), smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products, while simultanously eliminating compatibility with all our competitors products -- we're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.

Windows 98 comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.

Configuring Windows 98 to use a browser other than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the "time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked several more times in different ways; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time during or after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed -- permanently.

Windows 98 also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000. However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa." We have also decided to cure the confusion over "AD and BC" or "BC and BCE", by using our own standard time format that starts in 1974. All dates prior to 1974 will be labeled with the P.M. suffix (Pre-Microsoft), and all dates after 1974 will be clearly labeled with the P.M. suffix (Post-Microsoft) suffix.

Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.

We've done our best to make using Windows 98 as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with your software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully -- for your convenience the fees for using our toll-free Helpline will automatically be deducted from your accounts, using the required registration information that you previously provided by installing Windows 98. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.) If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.

Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98.

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Did you hear the one about the four friends who were driving a long when the cars engine just stopped.

The first friend (a car mechanic) said "I think we'll need to check the engine out - it is most probably at fault." 

The second friend (a chemist) said "I suspect it may be the fuel system. We'll need to do a careful analysis of the petrol to determine the problem."

The third friend (an electrician) said "My money is on the electrical system. A full diagnostic will surely find the problem."

The fourth friend (a Microsoft engineer) was silent until prompted by the other three for suggestions. He said "I think we should get out of the car and hop back in . It'll probably go just fine after that."

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//  Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set   itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter: ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging. Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

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