When a 40-year-old man turned up at a hospital asking
to see a doctor specialising in 'men's troubles', he was shown into a cubicle, where he
gingerly unwrapped three yards of foul-smelling, stained gauze from around his scrotum
which had swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit.
On further inspection, it was discovered that his left
testicle was missing completely, and, embedded within the swollen, tender and weeping
wound, were a number of dark objects which the patient confessed were one-inch staples
from an industrial stapling gun. It transpired that the man spent his lunchtimes alone in
his workshop, where he regularly enjoyed the sexual thrill of placing his penis on the
moving canvas fan-belt of a piece of machinery.
One day, the excitement had caused him to lose
concentration, and the fan-belt had snatched his scrotum into the fly-wheel, throwing him
several feet across the floor and tearing off his left nut. Rather than go to the
hospital, he performed first-aid on himself with the stapling gun, then went back to work
when his colleagues returned. It was two weeks before he got round to visiting the
A man of 20 reported to a casualty department
complaining of pain in his rectum. The examination revealed a hard, stony mass. According
to the man, he had been "fooling around" with his boyfriend, which involved
lying on his back with his feet against the wall, while his boyfriend inserted a funnel in
his rectum and poured a quantity of concrete mix through it.
The man underwent surgery to remove the by now solid
lump of concrete, which weighed 275 grams, and on further examination, was also found to
contain a ping-pong ball.
An hour and a half after he had told his wife he was
going shooting, a 40-year-old airline pilot was found chained and crushed against the side
of his Volkswagen Beetle. The ignition was on, the steering wheel was tied as far as it
would turn to the left, and the car had been travelling in circles. The man was naked,
apart from a series of straps similar to a parachute harness, and secured to the side of
the car by a heavy chain. It appears that he had removed his clothes and chained himself
to the back bumper of the car, which he had set on 'autopilot'. He jogged along behind it
and when he wanted to stop the 'game', he went towards the car, which ran over the chain.
As the chain slowly wound around the axle it reeled the man inexorably towards the car,
and with no means of escape, he was eventually asphyxiated against the bumper.
A man turned up at a hospital wearing an overcoat, and
with blood dripping down his leg. When he removed the coat, the doctor saw he had a
geranium inserted in his penis. The man had got the flower in without any difficulty, but
when he tried to remove it, the hairs on the stem of the flower had dug into the urethra
and ripped it to shreds.
A 62-year-old farmer was found dead in his barn by a
neighbour, crushed beneath the hydraulic scoop of his tractor. He was wearing stockings
and a pair of shoes with an eight-inch heel and his ankles were tied to a four-foot length
of pipe, which was itself chained to the scoop. By pulling on a pair of ropes, he could
raise the scoop and suspend himself upside-down. Beside the dead body was a broken length
of four-by-two, which was meant to act as a safety feature when the scoop was lowered, by
stopping it from hitting the ground. Unfortunately, as the scoop came down, it had snapped
the wood and continued downwards, trapping the man beneath it and crushing him.
A policeman in Staffordshire returned home from the
night shift to find his wife preparing breakfast. For some unknown reason, he wrapped a
slice of bread around his penis, at which point the dog leapt up and took a bite out of
it. The man needed cosmetic surgery to restore the damage.
A 34 year-old New-Yorker injected a cocaine solution
into his penis to heighten his sexual pleasure. After enjoying intercourse with his
girlfriend, however, he couldn't get rid of his erection, and after three days he went to
the doctor in search of help. Shortly afterwards, he developed blood clots in various
parts of his body, gangrene set in and he lost both legs, nine fingers and his penis.
A number of men, generally in the 55 to 65 age group,
have ended up in hospital after attetmpting to make love to a vacuum cleaner, although
their explanations are rarely so straightforward.
- One 60-year-old man was changing the plug of the Hoover
when it "mysteriously switched itself on" and sucked him in.
- A 65 year-old signalman bent down to pick up his tools
and caught his penis in a nearby vacuum.
- Another was merely bending over to turn the vacuum off
when the accident happened.
Bizarrely, all were in a state of almost total undress
when their accidents happened.
While enjoying an early morning swim, Brazilian
Claudiomiro Marques decided to experiment with the sexual properties of swimming pool
filters. Unfortunately, the structure of the filter combined with the degree of suction,
meant that his penis became jammed fast. Doctors were called, who evantually managed to
extricate him from his terrible predicament, although not before concerned bystanders had
first contributed to the rescue procedure by attempting to demolish the wall of the pool.
An Australian tourist woke one morning on his holiday
in Thailand to discover his passport and money had vanished during the night. He cast his
mind back, and the last thing he could remember was sucking on the nipples of a
After going to the police and making an embarrassing
confession, the police were able to track down the perpetrator, who explained that he had
used a tranquiliser on his nipples, a necessary subterfuge as many sex tourists didn't
A Somalian trucker reported to his doctor wearing
rubber incontinence pants, and claiming that over the previous month he had been
experiencing up to 40 involuntary ejaculations daily, He believed his condition was
brought on by chewing the drug Khat. A week later, he suffered total erection failure, and
even lengthy abstinence from the drug failed to restore his sexual ability.
His doctor believed he had used up his lifetime's
supply of orgasms.
A patient in the USA went to see his doctor, and was
checked for haemorrhoids. During the examination, the doctor asked if he was enjoying it,
at which point the patient turned around and noticed that the doctor was masturbating. The
doctor was given one year's probation.
When the guests at a wedding reception in Sussex sat
down to watch a video of the proceedings, they were surprised to see pictures of the man
who owned the video camera enjoying himself, on a bed, with the neighbour's Staffordshire
bull terrier. His defence in court was that he had made it to prove that pornographic
films used trick photography, and that no sex had taken place. He received a.six-month
Upon investigating a fire in Knoxville, Tennessee,
firemen found, in a room plastered with heavy metal posters, the nude body of a
16-year-old boy with a cow's heart attached to his genitals. lnitial suspicions of ritual
murder were dismissed when, in a copy of the underground porn magazine Ovid Now, they
discovered instructions for the construction of a sex toy made from a fresh cows heart and
an electrical circuit powered by batteries, which makes the heart beat.
Unfortunately, the boy had plugged his stimulator into
the mains, electrocuted himself and set the house on fire.
A young couple appeared in casualty one evening, he
with a bleeding and lacerated organ and she with serious bruising around the head. It
appears that during the course of providing her husband with oral sex in the kitchen
(starters?) the young lady had suffered a "grand mal" epileptic fit, clamping
her jaws closed on her husband's wedding tackle. In great pain and fear of actually losing
the aforementioned penis, he grabbed a convenient heavy implement (a saucepan -
fortunately empty) and used it to render his wife unconscious, so that she would release
|...and on a lighter note:
Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got
older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and
love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one
specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your
testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a
headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything
to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice
but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt
like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he
realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a
new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a
new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired
himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought
for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve
and... 16½ neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted
the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on
a roll and said, "Sure... "The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's
see... 9½ wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's head and
said, "Let's see... 7¼." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the
salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and
said, "Sure... "The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,
"Let's see. . size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34.
It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a