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When a 40-year-old man turned up at a hospital asking to see a doctor specialising in 'men's troubles', he was shown into a cubicle, where he gingerly unwrapped three yards of foul-smelling, stained gauze from around his scrotum which had swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit.

On further inspection, it was discovered that his left testicle was missing completely, and, embedded within the swollen, tender and weeping wound, were a number of dark objects which the patient confessed were one-inch staples from an industrial stapling gun. It transpired that the man spent his lunchtimes alone in his workshop, where he regularly enjoyed the sexual thrill of placing his penis on the moving canvas fan-belt of a piece of machinery.

One day, the excitement had caused him to lose concentration, and the fan-belt had snatched his scrotum into the fly-wheel, throwing him several feet across the floor and tearing off his left nut. Rather than go to the hospital, he performed first-aid on himself with the stapling gun, then went back to work when his colleagues returned. It was two weeks before he got round to visiting the hospital.

A man of 20 reported to a casualty department complaining of pain in his rectum. The examination revealed a hard, stony mass. According to the man, he had been "fooling around" with his boyfriend, which involved lying on his back with his feet against the wall, while his boyfriend inserted a funnel in his rectum and poured a quantity of concrete mix through it.

The man underwent surgery to remove the by now solid lump of concrete, which weighed 275 grams, and on further examination, was also found to contain a ping-pong ball.

An hour and a half after he had told his wife he was going shooting, a 40-year-old airline pilot was found chained and crushed against the side of his Volkswagen Beetle. The ignition was on, the steering wheel was tied as far as it would turn to the left, and the car had been travelling in circles. The man was naked, apart from a series of straps similar to a parachute harness, and secured to the side of the car by a heavy chain. It appears that he had removed his clothes and chained himself to the back bumper of the car, which he had set on 'autopilot'. He jogged along behind it and when he wanted to stop the 'game', he went towards the car, which ran over the chain. As the chain slowly wound around the axle it reeled the man inexorably towards the car, and with no means of escape, he was eventually asphyxiated against the bumper.

A man turned up at a hospital wearing an overcoat, and with blood dripping down his leg. When he removed the coat, the doctor saw he had a geranium inserted in his penis. The man had got the flower in without any difficulty, but when he tried to remove it, the hairs on the stem of the flower had dug into the urethra and ripped it to shreds.

A 62-year-old farmer was found dead in his barn by a neighbour, crushed beneath the hydraulic scoop of his tractor. He was wearing stockings and a pair of shoes with an eight-inch heel and his ankles were tied to a four-foot length of pipe, which was itself chained to the scoop. By pulling on a pair of ropes, he could raise the scoop and suspend himself upside-down. Beside the dead body was a broken length of four-by-two, which was meant to act as a safety feature when the scoop was lowered, by stopping it from hitting the ground. Unfortunately, as the scoop came down, it had snapped the wood and continued downwards, trapping the man beneath it and crushing him.

A policeman in Staffordshire returned home from the night shift to find his wife preparing breakfast. For some unknown reason, he wrapped a slice of bread around his penis, at which point the dog leapt up and took a bite out of it. The man needed cosmetic surgery to restore the damage.

A 34 year-old New-Yorker injected a cocaine solution into his penis to heighten his sexual pleasure. After enjoying intercourse with his girlfriend, however, he couldn't get rid of his erection, and after three days he went to the doctor in search of help. Shortly afterwards, he developed blood clots in various parts of his body, gangrene set in and he lost both legs, nine fingers and his penis.

A number of men, generally in the 55 to 65 age group, have ended up in hospital after attetmpting to make love to a vacuum cleaner, although their explanations are rarely so straightforward.

  • One 60-year-old man was changing the plug of the Hoover when it "mysteriously switched itself on" and sucked him in.
  • A 65 year-old signalman bent down to pick up his tools and caught his penis in a nearby vacuum.
  • Another was merely bending over to turn the vacuum off when the accident happened.

Bizarrely, all were in a state of almost total undress when their accidents happened.

While enjoying an early morning swim, Brazilian Claudiomiro Marques decided to experiment with the sexual properties of swimming pool filters. Unfortunately, the structure of the filter combined with the degree of suction, meant that his penis became jammed fast. Doctors were called, who evantually managed to extricate him from his terrible predicament, although not before concerned bystanders had first contributed to the rescue procedure by attempting to demolish the wall of the pool.

An Australian tourist woke one morning on his holiday in Thailand to discover his passport and money had vanished during the night. He cast his mind back, and the last thing he could remember was sucking on the nipples of a transvestite prostitute.

After going to the police and making an embarrassing confession, the police were able to track down the perpetrator, who explained that he had used a tranquiliser on his nipples, a necessary subterfuge as many sex tourists didn't drink.

A Somalian trucker reported to his doctor wearing rubber incontinence pants, and claiming that over the previous month he had been experiencing up to 40 involuntary ejaculations daily, He believed his condition was brought on by chewing the drug Khat. A week later, he suffered total erection failure, and even lengthy abstinence from the drug failed to restore his sexual ability.

His doctor believed he had used up his lifetime's supply of orgasms.

A patient in the USA went to see his doctor, and was checked for haemorrhoids. During the examination, the doctor asked if he was enjoying it, at which point the patient turned around and noticed that the doctor was masturbating. The doctor was given one year's probation.

When the guests at a wedding reception in Sussex sat down to watch a video of the proceedings, they were surprised to see pictures of the man who owned the video camera enjoying himself, on a bed, with the neighbour's Staffordshire bull terrier. His defence in court was that he had made it to prove that pornographic films used trick photography, and that no sex had taken place. He received a.six-month suspended sentence.

Upon investigating a fire in Knoxville, Tennessee, firemen found, in a room plastered with heavy metal posters, the nude body of a 16-year-old boy with a cow's heart attached to his genitals. lnitial suspicions of ritual murder were dismissed when, in a copy of the underground porn magazine Ovid Now, they discovered instructions for the construction of a sex toy made from a fresh cows heart and an electrical circuit powered by batteries, which makes the heart beat.

Unfortunately, the boy had plugged his stimulator into the mains, electrocuted himself and set the house on fire.

A young couple appeared in casualty one evening, he with a bleeding and lacerated organ and she with serious bruising around the head. It appears that during the course of providing her husband with oral sex in the kitchen (starters?) the young lady had suffered a "grand mal" epileptic fit, clamping her jaws closed on her husband's wedding tackle. In great pain and fear of actually losing the aforementioned penis, he grabbed a convenient heavy implement (a saucepan - fortunately empty) and used it to render his wife unconscious, so that she would release her grip.

...and on a lighter note:

Joe was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure . . ."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and... 16 neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure... "The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9 wide." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without  hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure... "The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. . size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

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mb21 by Mike Brown
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