| SYMPTOM |
FAULT |
ACTION |
| Beer unusually pale and
tasteless |
Glass
empty |
Get someone to buy you another
beer |
| Opposite wall covered with fluorescent
lights |
You have fallen over
backwards |
Have yourself lashed to
bar |
| Mouth contains cigarette
butts |
You have fallen
forwards |
See
above |
| Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is
wet |
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face |
Retire to
the Gents, practice in mirror |
| Feet cold and
wet |
Glass being held at incorrect
angle |
Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling |
| Feet warm and
wet |
Improper bladder
control |
Stand next to nearest dog and complain about its house
training |
| Floor
blurred |
You are looking through bottom of empty
glass |
Get someone to buy you another
beer |
| Floor
moving |
You are being carried
out |
Find out if you are being taken to another
bar |
| Room seems unusually
dark |
Bar has
closed |
Confirm home address with
bartender |
| Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and
textures |
Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations |
Cover
mouth |
