SOME TOMMY COOPER-ISMS

• Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.'
  The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard'
  
• Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?'
  
• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
  
• A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'
  'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
  
• 'Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
  
• And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
  I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
  He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
  
• So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
  I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
  
• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'  So that was nice.
  
• So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'.
  He said Hundreds & thousands?'  
  I said 'We'll start with one.'
  He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
  I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
  
• So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.'
  I said 'Why?'
  He said 'My dog's died.'
  
• Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
  
• So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and   said 'Who's speaking please?'
  And a voice said 'You are.'
  
• So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
  He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
  
• So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
  He said 'I'm not stopping you.' 
  
• So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
  And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.
  He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' and I went into a tree
  And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'   And I said 'I careered off the road.'

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