HOW TO
SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
- Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this
morning cos there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below
33°
- Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately,
ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bathroom.
- Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your
gut so that you can complain and whinge even more about how you're getting fat.
- Turn on the hot water only
- Get in the shower, once you have found it through all that
steam.
- Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide
loofah and pumice stone.
- Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
added vitamins.
- Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83
added vitamins.
- Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo
with 83 added vitamins.
- Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner
enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
- Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten
minutes until red raw.
- Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body
wash
- Complain bitterly when you realise that your boyfriend/husband
has once again been eating your Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
- Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen
minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
- Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be
bothered, and anyway the hair helps keep you warm.
- Slick hair back and pretend you're like Bo Derek in 10.
- Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet
and you get a rush of cold water.
- Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
- Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.
- Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot. Attack with
nails/tweezers if found.
- Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on
head. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh
immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and then rush to bedroom.
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HOW TO
SHOWER LIKE A MAN
- Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and
leave them in a pile on the floor.
- Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your
girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
- Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut
to see if you have pecs. (no)
- Turn on the water.
- Check for pecs again. (no)
- Get in the shower.
- Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
- Wash your face.
- Wash your armpits.
- Wash your penis and surrounding area.
- Wash your bum.
- Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
- Make a shampoo Mohican.
- Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
- Pee
- Rinse off and get out of the shower.
- Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your
girlfriend/wife, flash her.
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