taken from real resumés and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of
- I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
- I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet
- Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
- Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
- Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
- Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
- It's best for employers that I not work with people.
- Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
- You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
- Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
- I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
- I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to
respond to my resumé on my office voice mail.'
- I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one
and absolutely nothing.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
- I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
- As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
- Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain
- Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I
have never quit a job.
- Marital status: often. Children: various.
- Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees
get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
- The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
- Finished eighth in my class of ten.
- References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
|Actual excerpts from
Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this officer.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals
from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has
started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a
rat in a trap.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot
|Actual lines out of U.S.
Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report)
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- A room temperature IQ.
- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
- A prime candidate for natural
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
- So dense, light bends around him.
- If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
- Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.