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GISSA JOB!

These are taken from real resumés and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of 'Fortune Magazine'
  • I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
  • I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
  • Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
  • Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
  • Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
  • Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
  • It's best for employers that I not work with people.
  • Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
  • You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
  • Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
  • I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
  • Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
  • I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
  • I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my resumé on my office voice mail.'
  • I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
  • My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
  • I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
  • As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
  • Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
  • Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
  • Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.
  • Marital status: often. Children: various.
  • Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
  • The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
  • Finished eighth in my class of ten.
  • References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports
  • His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
  • I would not breed from this officer.
  • He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
  • He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
  • This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
  • This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
  • Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
  • She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  • He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
  • Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
  • This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot
Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report)
  • Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  • Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
  • A room temperature IQ.
  • Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
  • A prime candidate for natural deselection.
  • Bright as Alaska in December.
  • Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
  • So dense, light bends around him.
  • If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
  • If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
  • Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
  • Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

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mb21 by Mike Brown
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