1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter
8. You can open all your own jars
9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained  weight
10. Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying
12. Your ass is never a factor in job interviews
13. All your orgasms are real
14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex
15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards)
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go
17. You understand why Stripes is funny
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group
19. Your last name stays put
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you
22. You can kill your own food
23. The garage is all yours
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
25. You see the humour in Terms of Endearment
26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow
27. You never have to clean a toilet
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend
32. Your underwear costs £10 for a three-pack
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. You don't have to shave below your neck
35. None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices
38. You can write your name in the snow
39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest
40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color
41. Chocolate is just another snack
42. You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat
44. Flowers fix everything
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park
48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough
49. You can eat a banana
50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
51. Foreplay is optional
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth
58. You don't give a monkeys if anyone notices your new haircut
59. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking 'He must be mad at me'.
60. The world is your urinal
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area
64. One mood, all the time
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him
66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too 'skeevy'
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle
68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing
69. Same work...more pay!
70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment
72. Wedding dress: £1,500; morning suit rental: £50
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
79. ESPN's SportsCenter
80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift
81. Bachelor parties beat the hell out of bridal showers
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked
84. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it."
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room
94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries
97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There's always a game on somewhere

10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING A GUY

1. You have to take out the garbage
2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000
3. No sofas in your restrooms
4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs
5. Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper,  you're not allowed to cry.
6. James Bond movies only come out every 2 years
7. Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours
8. You have to wear ties
9. You can't flirt you way out of a jam
10. "Women and children first."