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  1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
  3. You know stuff about tanks.
  4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  5. Monday Night Football.
  6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives
  7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter
  8. You can open all your own jars
  9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained  weight
  10. Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind
  11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying
  12. Your ass is never a factor in job interviews
  13. All your orgasms are real
  14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex
  15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards)
  16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go
  17. You understand why Stripes is funny
  18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group
  19. Your last name stays put
  20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade
  21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you
  22. You can kill your own food
  23. The garage is all yours
  24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness
  25. You see the humour in Terms of Endearment
  26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow
  27. You never have to clean a toilet
  28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes
  29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation
  30. Wedding plans take care of themselves
  31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend
  32. Your underwear costs 10 for a three-pack
  33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
  34. You don't have to shave below your neck
  35. None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry
  36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night
  37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices
  38. You can write your name in the snow
  39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest
  40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color
  41. Chocolate is just another snack
  42. You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
  43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat
  44. Flowers fix everything
  45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings
  46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours
  47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park
  48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough
  49. You can eat a banana
  50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
  51. Foreplay is optional
  52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe
  53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
  54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day
  55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by
  56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid
  57. Car mechanics tell you the truth
  58. You don't give a monkeys if anyone notices your new haircut
  59. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking 'He must be mad at me'.
  60. The world is your urinal
  61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
  62. You get to jump up and slap stuff
  63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area
  64. One mood, all the time
  65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him
  66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too 'skeevy'
  67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle
  68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing
  69. Same work...more pay!
  70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character
  71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment
  72. Wedding dress: 1,500; morning suit rental: 50
  73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back
  74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory
  75. You don't mooch off others' desserts
  76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen
  77. The remote control is yours and yours alone
  78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them
  79. ESPN's SportsCenter
  80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift
  81. Bachelor parties beat the hell out of bridal showers
  82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother
  83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked
  84. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom
  85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed
  86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man
  87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it."
  88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies
  89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary
  90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected
  91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood
  92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny
  93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room
  94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet
  95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind
  96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries
  97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them
  98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
  99. Baywatch
  100. There's always a game on somewhere
...and in the interest of gender equality!


  1. You have to take out the garbage
  2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000
  3. No sofas in your restrooms
  4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs
  5. Even if you get you head caught in an industrial wood chipper,  you're not allowed to cry.
  6. James Bond movies only come out every 2 years
  7. Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours
  8. You have to wear ties
  9. You can't flirt you way out of a jam
  10. "Women and children first."

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