• H20 is hot water and CO2 is cold water

• To collect fumes of Sulphur hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

• When you smell an odourless gas it is probably carbon monoxide.

• Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

• Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

• Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

• Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration then expectoration.

• The Moon is a planet, just like the Earth, only it is even deader.

• Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

• Mushrooms always grow in damp places, so they look like umbrellas.

• The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

• The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

• The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon, because there is no water on the Moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the Sun joins in the fight.

• A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is the more extinct it is.

• EQUATOR: A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

• GERMINATE: To become a naturalised German.

• MAGNET: Something you find crawling over a dead cat.

• MOMENTUM: What you give a person when they are going away.

• PLANET: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

• LITTER: A nest of young puppies.

• RHUBARB: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

• VACUUM: A large empty space where the Pope lives.

• Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

• To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

• To keep milk from turning sour keep it in the cow.