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I AM THE VERY MODEL OF A USENET INDIVIDUAL

With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan...

I now have two versions of this. The first was found on Usenet some years back, having been posted there anonymously...

I am the very model of a Usenet individual,
I've information meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I know the basic elements of alien biology,
And all the hidden secrets of the Church of Scientology,
I've seen "The Wrath of Khan" and every Star Trek film that followed it,
Moaned about my Servicecard and how the cash till swallowed it,
About the laws on handguns I am sending off a counterblast,
With many cheerful facts about the way you can MAKE MONEY FAST!

ALL: With many cheerful etc.

I'll tell you why the Japanese are taking over Panama,
And why the USA is still a better place than Canada,
In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I am the very model of a Usenet individual.

ALL: In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
He is the very model of a Usenet individual.

I post in alt.revisionism lies about the Holocaust,
I cut my .sig to twenty lines, I didn't want to, I was forced,
I really can't believe the "Good Times" virus to be mythical,
And Clinton's raising taxes which is, frankly, bloody typical,
I've upset several people on alt.flame, I really don't know how,
And sent a thousand business cards to Mr. and Mrs. Shergold now,
I have a very poor grip of political geography,
And absolutely no involvement (yet!) in child pornography,

ALL: And absolutely no, etc.

I've paid two-fifty dollars for the Nieman-Marcus recipe,
And told the Spanish tourist's tale about the toothbrush pessary,
In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I am the very model of a Usenet individual.

ALL: In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
He is the very model of a Usenet individual.

In fact, when I know what is meant by "binary" and "FTP",
When I know how to decode porno JPEGs from a .uue,
When I can handle HTML, Telnet, mail and IRC,
And when I know the words initialized to form "http",
When I have learnt what topics are acceptable in talk.bizarre,
When I know more of Usenet than the tailpipe of a motor-car,
In short, when I've a smattering of elementary netiquette,
You'll say a better individual has never surfed the Net.

ALL: You'll say a better individual, etc.

For my technical experience, although I claim to know it all
Could barely serve to run the installation disk from AOL;
But still, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I am the very model of a Usenet individual.

ALL: But still, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
He is the very model of a Usenet individual.

The second I am pleased to have a definite attribution for as it is by writer Tom Holt. It came to my attention on the website of fellow Umrat and near-neighbour Kim Andrews, where you can find out a little more about it.

I am the very model of a newsgroup personality. 
I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality. 
Addresses I have plenty of; both genuine and ghosted, too, 
On all the countless newsgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to. 
Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling, 
And you're the one who pays the bill, downloading all my drivelling. 
My enemies are numerous, and no-one would be blaming you 
For cracking my head open after I've been rudely flaming you.

I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it). 
I wouldn't know a valid point if I were introduced to it. 
My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia, 
Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than Bolivia. 
The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery, 
Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery. 
I say I'm frank and forthright, but that's merely lies and vanity, 
The gibberings of one who's on the limits of his sanity.

If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to; 
If only Mum could find a circus freak-show she could sell me to; 
If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery; 
If I lose all my fingers in a mishap with machinery; 
If I survive to twenty, which is somewhat problematical; 
If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical; 
If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate; 
Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable punk you hate?

But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face, 
It simply isn't safe for normal people here in cyberspace. 
To stick me in "Old Sparky" and turn on the electricity 
Would be a fitting punishment for my egocentricity. 
I always have the last word; so, with uttermost finality, 
That's all from me, the model of a newsgroup personality. 

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