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ACCOUNTANT someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing
ACTUARY someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
AUDITOR someone who arrives after the battle and stabs all the wounded
BANKER a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
CONSULTANT someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time
DIPLOMAT someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip
ECONOMIST an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today
EXPERT an individual who spends hir entire life learning more and more about less and less until finally they know absolutely everything about absolutely nothing.
LAWYER a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)
LECTURER one who talks in someone else's sleep
MATHEMATICIAN is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
PROGRAMMER someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand
PSYCHOLOGIST a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room
SCHOOLTEACHER a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children
STATISTICIAN someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant
TOPOLOGIST is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut

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